Saturday, April 9, 2011

Dear Dad - I miss you.

Dear Dad,

I woke up today thinking about you.

I woke up wanting to talk with you and give you a hug, but found that I awoke to reality that quickly turned into a nightmare.  I couldn't hug you or call you on the phone or hear your voice.  I couldn't get words of encouragement from you or tap into your wisdom of the years.  Those days are gone; ripped from my core, leaving me to fend for myself and do the best that I can as a man who now has a full family.

I thought of your final days and how weak and frail you looked, clinging to life in your hospital bed.  I thought of my selfish days leading up to your passing and how I was sure that if I wasn't there, then you wouldn't die or get worse.  For this, I am truly sorry.  Sorry that I wasn't there at the end as your final breath was taken.  Sorry that you didn't have a son you truly deserved that walked with you during your final hours. I should have been stronger for you when you needed it - stronger in the Lord and I should have helped you cross over into his kingdom.

So I woke up today, sad.  I felt I should give you an update on my family, your grandkids and our lives.

We are doing well.  Ryan is growing up so fast - it amazes me that he was not even born when you passed and now I have a big 5 1/2 year old who loves to play soccer and swim and calls his Grandma Page every night to talk with her.  He is full of such hope and glory.  We were lucky to have been given the opportunity to tell you of his coming birth, 2 days before you passed away.  Did you hear us tell you?  I hope you did.  One life was leaving us, and another was coming - without Ryan, I would be lost.  He is our miracle baby - he gave us hope when we were desperate for any hope.

Ryan is super intelligent - he has conversations with us that are very adult like.  I get a kick out of watching him talk with Cynthia or quip to us (from his computer) a quick little phrase.  His mind is like a steel trap - he had a twenty minute conversation with Cynthia about the toll booths at the Golden Gate bridge, just the other day, where he kept asking questions about the tolls, and what happens if people don't pay and just drive through and on and on and on.  I am very proud of him.

Erica just turned 9 (and I 39) and she is a trooper.  She has been auditioning for movies and commercials and was even in an episode of HOUSE M.D. last year.  Her spirit is like that of a eagle flying high in the sun.  She has such inner strength and love.  She also has a devious side - but I fear she gets that out of the necessity of living with two brothers and being the middle child.  You should see her play with Ryan.  They dress up in clothes and Erica is the mommy and Ryan would be the daddy and Ryan would come home after a long day at work and Erica would cook him dinner.  It is funny.  Or sometimes, Ryan would be mommy and Erica would be daddy.  To see them get along like that is awesome.  The both love each other so much.  I hope that they always love each other and are always close to one another as they grow up especially when Cynthia and I have passed on.

Erica is playing softball right now and learning how to pitch.  She is really good, but it is her spirit that sets her apart from her team-mates.  I hope she never loses that key ingredient in her personality that will take her to the ends of the earth and back again.  She is my soul mate - we spend every birthday together and I love to hug her.

Andrew remembers you the most out of the 3.  He was almost 5 when you left us.  He is so big now.  He is almost as tall as Cynthia and he is now becoming a young man.  He eats like a horse (and according to Cynthia, sometimes smells like one too).  He has such an imagination and loves music.  But not just popular music - he listens to everything.  This week his is into listening to a Hawaiian version of "What a Wonderful World" by Iz.  He always has his face in a book reading.  But Andrew is really good at soccer and swimming.  I love to watch him in the water when he is swimming with the local cabana.  He is really good - much better than me.  His soccer playing is also good.  I was sad he didn't want to play baseball this year, but his mom is adamant he play these non-contact sports (yes, Baseball is non-contact - I know).

All three of the kids are healthy and happy and doing well.  They seem to get along well with their classmates and the teachers seem to like them also.

Cynthia is also doing good - she is working for Symantec and doing some great things, even though she doesn't think she is.  It is great, because I can often tell people that all the boxed art and displays at Best Buy or Staples or Fry's came from her.  And this summer, I can tell them that she did all the work on the posters and tie-in campaigns for a major Marvel Comics movie.  I am very proud of her and she is such an awesome mother.  She is full of love and compassion and better yet - patience, especially with the kids.  I love waking up next to her every day.

As for me?  I am doing good.  Working very hard at my job, IT Director at Virtual Instruments.  I love working with computers and technology.  The company is going strong and we are expanding like crazy. I have gained some weight - of which I am not happy - but at least I am stable and healthy.  It is hard to find the balance in life - balance between work and family and personal time.  I have found that I am starting to shift my balance towards my family and wanting to ensure they are happy and healthy.

I hope I am being a good father.  I hope I have taken the best of you and made it better for them.  We live in such a new world today.  Much different than when we grew up.

Anyway - it is almost time to get ready for soccer and softball games today.  I love you very much and just felt like I needed to write to you.  May God continue to watch over us all and bless us.  I also pray that you come back to my dreams and talk with me again.  I would love to talk... or hug... or just see you.

Always my love,